The Modern Man's Guide to Understanding the Wife

WIFESPEAK =>  ENGLISH EQUIVALENT

• You want.=> You want.

• We need.=> I want.
• It's your decision=> The right decision should be obvious by now!
• Do what you want.=> You'll pay for this later.
• We need to talk=> I need to bitch!
• Sure, go ahead=> I don't want you to.
• I'm not upset=> Of course I'm upset, you moron!
• You're, so manly=> You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
• You're certainly attentive tonight=> Sex all you ever think about?
• I'm not emotional & I'm not overreacting=> I'm having my period.
• This kitchen is so inconvenient.=> I want a new house.
• The car is empty=> Go fill it up!
• The trash is full=> Take it out!
• The dog's barking=> Go outside in your underwear and see what's wrong.
• I want new curtains=> ….and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
• I need wedding shoes=> The other 40 pair are the wrong shade of white.
• Be romantic, turn out the lights=> I have flabby thighs.
• Hang the picture there=> NO, I mean hang it there!
• I heard a noise=> I noticed you were almost asleep.
• Do you love me?=> I'm going to ask for something expensive
• Am I FAT?=> (this is a setup, do not answer…)

Her answer to "What's Wrong?"

• Nothing=> Everything.
• Everything=> My PMS.
• Nothing, really=> It's just that you're such an asshole.
• I don't want to talk about it> Go away, while I build up steam!